Some people are very good at keeping journals. I don't happen to be one of them. Then again, i never really saw much reason to do so . . . after all, shouldn't we look to this day and the days ahead that we might be blessed with, rather than dwelling on the past?
I did, however, keep a journal for my daughter because i decided when she was a baby that there were so many great things she was doing and if i didn't write about them she would never have a chance to know about them. My goal was to write about every event, good and bad, that happened to her and then to give the journal to her when she was grown. I even told her about it and she has asked so many times when i was planning on handing it over. As expected, she is now a grown young woman, and a wonderfully vibrant one at that. I have contemplated the ceremonial "handing over" of the journal for many months now, along with all the details of just how to present it in a way as to make it special.
In preparation for the big day i decided to purchase a nice pink box because pink is her favorite color (how funny, i never did like pink as a girl but probably because my mom always tried to push pink for her only daughter and i preferred to be rebellious and love colors like the dark, dark blue i painted my bedroom. Much as mom hated it, its still the same color). Inside this very nice pink box i am placing the hand written portion of the journal, a disk with the portion i decided to put on the computer, and all the neat little knick-knacky things i saved over the years like her award in day care for finally pooping in the toilet, newspaper clippings with pictures of her for doing something great, concert programs (yep! all 1000 of them), dance programs, 4-H awards, firefighter letters, graduation info, etc. I will finish it off with a handwritten note telling her all about the journal and giving her the name of this blog so that as the years go on and i have something profound to share with her she can stop in here and read all about it.
Also during this preparation time i decided to read all of the journal entries i made. It was an amazing time of smiles, laughter and tears. It was also a time to realize how much we can forget - all those little things that at the moment were so very important, but somehow through the busy-ness of our lives we have forgotten them. Ah, maybe now i see a good reason for keeping a journal. I actually found several reasons. The other really important thing i found was that this journal not only holds some wonderful information for RandiLyn, it showed me some things about myself. I think the most important thing it showed me was a progression in my life taking place. One that has made me think a lot over the past few months about exactly what is important in my life, and how far off course i have wondered. Most profoundly i read a slow progression of a change in my faith-walk. Not a good one, not one of growing, but one of forgetting Who is in charge of my life, and What is important. In the early days it was easy to read and see my focus was so much about living a life that was pleasing to, and served our Lord. I looked to Him for direction and loved having a relationship with Him. As time went on i saw years of growth and dependence on Him, then i found that my writing gradually reflected less of Him, more of me. No doubt, there were many years that were desperately painful and loneliness and insecurity filled me. For awhile He was my only strength, but after awhile He dwindled into the background as i became more obsessed with myself. Reading this journal opened my eyes and it filled my spirit with a desire to find my way back. It has made me realize that these days are numbered and i haven't lived in a way that honors the One who made me, the One who loves me no matter what. And for that i am so grateful! I know i don't have it nearly all together but I'm taking the steps to get there. I want to be sold out to the Lord, i want to live my life in a way that shows others who He is, and i want them to want to know Him because they can see how He has changed my life. So now i have found reason number two for journaling.
There is one last reason that i have discovered why journaling really is a good thing. It can be our legacy. A couple years ago my step-mom let me read my grandfathers journal. To me, it was a treasure to be able to hold that little book in my hands and ponder over the pages of his life. To read about things that happened back then, like ailments that we now just go to our primary physician and they can usually fix, like simpler ways of living and the hardships it involved, but yet, it just seemed a normal part of their day, like attitudes about family and each persons importance - even down to cousins. Today most of us barely even keep in touch with our parents, non-the-less a cousin 10 years younger. But most important, my grandpa's journal told me all about him as a man - and a man that i think i would have respected and loved beyond belief. My grandpa died on Halloween day in 1958. How do i remember that? Well, he was taken home so early in life - 49 years old, from a heart attack. The day was Halloween - a holiday (and i say that lightly) that i despise because even as a child i found it annoying. He died when i was a mere 5 months old, and i know that only a few days before his death he was holding me on his lap in the car (no car seats required then) and he was singing me sweet songs about the
Lord. I know that i cant possibly have an actual memory of that day, or even of my grandpa in any way, but yet, i have always felt a warm, close feeling that i cant put in words when i think about him. Its as if i really do know him. His journal verified some of the things that i "felt" about him and told me so many things more. It was an amazing time for me to read all about this wonderful man that i someday hope to find when i walk through the gates of Heaven (that is, after i get to hang out with Jesus and marvel at being face to face with Him for a bit). I have a love for my Grandpa Marra that i cant explain and somehow i imagine, that if he were alive, he and i would have spent many glorious days together and enjoyed each others company. Gosh, i really miss him. (I think he is so handsome!)Well, i guess its time to get the journal ready to hand over now. I hope that it will be as enlightening to you (RandiLyn) as it was to me. I so enjoyed the time i spent reading it and i have so enjoyed being your mom and traveling down this road with you. I am enjoying the days now watching you carve out the path of your life and growing into a beautiful woman. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, hunnie. There is nothing more important and i am so proud of you for the way you have grown in your faith. You are a beautiful example to me.
Handing over our legacy with love,
Mom
XOXOXO
